unemployed

Do you know who you are yet?

That’s the question that my therapist asks me every session. After I’ve complained for 30 minutes about the struggles of trying to find a job, living with my parents, being insanely broke. She seems to think that the level of depression I’ve slipping into as a result of not immediately starting a job after college and moving out is much more extreme than it should be. She asks me to list the reasons why this period of life is hitting me so hard and I said it’s because I’ve failed. I’m a failure. You are supposed to leave school and move out, start your life, have your own place. I’m still here. In fact, I went backwards. So clearly I’ve failed.

https://archive.org/details/Strange_Daze_number_20/page/n39/mode/2up

And obviously, I don’t entirely think that. I’ve been working since I was 15, and anyone who has been in a system for that long is bound to feel off when they’ve left. The difference between now and then is that when you are working part time in college you know exactly what’s next. An internship, another year, another internship, graduate, job. But now I’m at ‘job’ but nothing is there. I’m supposed to be at some destination. Something big was supposed to change. But instead there’s no schedule and now I have student loans. I can’t even buy a coffee. Trader Joe’s is literally not that affordable.

The real issue is with me, maybe, probably. My therapist says that it’s all so detrimental to me mentally, to be unemployed, because all of my self worth is in my work. Because I think that the only thing that makes me meaningful in this life is the ability to work, or to have money, or to be productive. That I need to enjoy the journey before I get to the destination. But she is wrong about me! And I know this because I am me.

https://archive.org/details/solidarity_for_social_revolution_12/page/n11/mode/2up

My self worth is, actually, in my ability to leave. Failure in my eyes is being put back where you were, some fixed place in my head that correlates to sadness and pain and stagnation. Elementary school sucked because kids were mean, but I could move to middle school. Middle school sucked because it was middle school, so I moved to high school. And when that sucked I just moved to a different one. And so on. College had nothing but movement. You move residences every year, you could move your work, your schedule, your seat in a class. It was nothing but constant changing and the concept of standing still was impossible because you were always moving forward. That’s how I think life should be. If it’s not then I’m failing.

I think that my obsession with change might have to do something with the concept of legacy. Or, specifically, legacy as enduring impact. The changes that occur in life imply that something has been altered from one period to the next, whether that be purposeful or not. High school was shit, living at home was pain, so when I changed and went to college, something was done. A difference was made, a difference that I could clearly see and write down and understand. Leaving is something like legacy to me, I think. You were remembered as being one way and now you’ve moved or left altogether, your state is changed. You’re not there anymore and (hopefully) you won’t go back.

https://archive.org/details/Strange_Daze_number_20/page/n39/mode/2up

But now I’m back. I was remembered as being gone and now I’ve reverted to some pre-legacy state that has set me back years and made me depressed and annoyed and irritable. And it’s not even my fault. I did everything right and I left and I’m back. I failed. I’m going to be selfish about it because it’s my life. I’m going to be immature about it. I should be out of here, I shouldn’t have to wait for something. I literally did everything right. If I try to analyze it for too long it just confuses me more. All of the inputs I did, the work and the exhaustion and the moving, it should’ve changed something. It should’ve resulted in some positive output but it didn’t. I know that it probably_will,_but that doesn’t change what is. Which is nothing. Nothing is happening. That’s so unfair.

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