I want sex more often than my husband does – what can we do? A woman married for five years expresses dissatisfaction with her sex life, noting her husband’s frequent lack of energy and performance issues, which she feels deprioritizes her. Advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith suggests that the differing ways the couple conceptualizes “sex” might be the root of the problem, rather than just differing libidos. Gordon-Smith argues that if sex is defined by one partner as a “test of performance” or an “opportunity to fail,” while the other defines it as a “place to feel cherished and desired,” this can lead to a disconnect. She advises exploring these underlying definitions and potentially redefining sex between them to foster mutual desire and a more fulfilling sexual experience.

• A woman married for five years feels her sex life has died due to her husband’s low energy and performance issues, despite his assurances of desire.
• The husband’s stress, running habits, and lack of sexual energy have led the wife to feel deprioritized and rejected.
• Advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith suggests the core issue might be how each partner conceptualizes “sex,” rather than simply having different libidos.
• If sex is viewed as a “test of performance” or an “opportunity to fail” by one partner, it can hinder desire.
• The goal is to redefine “sex” to be a shared experience of desire, cherishing, and erotic discovery, rather than a performance-based activity.